Raising Our Children

After working with children and families professionally for 19 years, I am aware of the different kinds of parenting guides and books that exist. The one I recommend most to families I serve is The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel (neuropsychiatrist) and Tina Payne Bryson (parenting expert). I am grateful for my clinical supervisor who first introduced this book to me during my training years. I highly recommend obtaining the physical copy of this book as it offers fun illustrations for kids and user-friendly charts and other visuals at the end of the book for parents to use as well.

Important Brain Concepts

Upstairs vs. Downstairs Brain

The "downstairs" brain (brainstem and limbic system) handles basic survival instincts and emotions, while the "upstairs" brain (prefrontal cortex) handles higher-order thinking, reasoning, and decision-making. The upstairs brain is under construction until the mid-twenties—which is why children are neurologically prone to emotional outbursts and poor impulse control; they're not being manipulative, their reasoning brain literally isn't built yet. Having grace and patience– up to early adulthood– is key to honoring the developing human body and brain.

Right Brain vs. Left Brain

Especially in young children, the right brain and its emotions tend to rule over the logic of the left brain. The right brain is emotional, nonverbal, and holistic; the left brain is logical, verbal, and linear. Both need to work together for a child to process an experience fully—feel it AND make sense of it.

Strategies

Connect and Redirect

When a child is upset, first acknowledge their feelings to validate the emotional experience (connect with the right brain); once they feel heard, redirect them toward more logical thinking to guide behavior calmly (engage the left brain). It seems to be a natural response for adults to immediately rationalize and reason with our children during a meltdown, but this communicates to the child that they are not allowed to feel their feelings, which can lead to unhealthy self-suppression in future, which can lead to chronic physical health issues later.

• “I see that you’re upset because it seems unfair. Do you want to see if you can have more time with this?” / “I see your friend over there who was waiting to play with you. Do you want to go to her?”
• “Are you feeling sad because we have to go home? I would feel sad too, you were having a lot of fun.” / “Let’s see when we can come back. Right now, our pet is missing us back at home and we need to feed her. Which treat should we give (pet)?”

Name It to Tame It

Moving from raging right-brain behavior through left-brain storytelling—appealing to the left brain's need for words and reasoning to calm emotional storms and bodily tension. In practice, this means helping a child narrate what happened during a meltdown, which engages the logical brain and reduces the emotional charge.

• “Tell me the story of what happened from the middle to the end”

Mindsight and the Wheel of Awareness

In a chapter on integrating the self, Siegel introduces "Mindsight"—understanding our own minds so we can then understand the minds of others—teaching kids the "wheel of awareness," how to distinguish what they feel from who they are, how to focus attention, and how to return to their center. This will support building perspective taking and increased social understanding.

Parents and Caregivers Managing Their Own Emotions

Your ability to self-regulate is the cornerstone for any of these strategies to be effective. Learning to self regulate your own emotions, practicing your self-care and seeking out your natural support system is something not discussed enough when raising children. Our ancestors knew how to lean onto their extended families and communities to help raise the children, and the way many cities are structured in isolation and just within nuclear families, does not support the family unit as a whole.

Traditional parenting advice focuses on managing behavior, but Siegel and Bryson argue lasting change starts with understanding brain development—since it shapes everything from emotional regulation to decision-making and relationships.

Integration

Integration is the key concept underlying all strategies in the book—connecting the many parts and functions of the brain to achieve well-being. The point is that meltdowns, tantrums, and emotional outbursts happen when different parts of a child's brain aren't working together; the goal of "whole-brain parenting" is to help those parts integrate so kids become calmer, more resilient, and better able to make sound decisions after their feelings have been witnessed and acknowledged.

References

• Siegel, D. & Bryson, T. P. The Whole Brain Child.